Blood Omen 2: My way
by OrpheumZero
Summary: UPDATED! The long awaited chapter 6, Kain enters the Sarafan Keep, much insanity pursues!
1. Chapter 1: It's Kain turn to suffer!

Blood Omen 2: part.1 Kain's parody begins.  
  
Me: Well hello and welcome to a parody of yet another Legacy of Kain game. I decided to make this at the same time as my Soul Reaver 2 parody, so I could get them out quick. I'm also gonna start an original story, which will star my pen name as a hero, you may like it. I'm also gonna do a Silent Hill 2 parody, and one more thing, does anyone know how to get a new game into the category? I want to make a Summoner parody and maybe even one to another game series, If any of you do please tell me how and I will teach you how to master an even more powerful weapon than the Morph-blade.  
  
Kain: Are we gonna start yet?  
  
Me: Yes soon, I just needed to get that question out.  
  
Kain: Dammit! Another parody of my exploits and Light and the other people who have done BO2 parodies aren't even done yet.  
  
Me: Oh get used to it. Well here's the new parody - Blood Omen 2: a parody.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
That video that plays before the main screens plays: It opens with Kain lying on the bed turning while dreaming, we then see his dream. He is walking away from the Pillars as they fall apart while carrying the Soul Reaver, he is laughing his ass off, as he placed a sign out near them saying: Kain wuz' here! We then see him in a room on a chair, he is reading a por- er he's plotting, he then gets up and walks to a table with a map on it, Vorador is standing there *Isn't he supposed to be dead?* and so is some other vampire, Kain bumps into the table, stubbing his toe and hopping up and down in pain, all of his men laugh and he then gives them a glare and they stop, he then pulls out tiny figurines of him and the vampire, plus little human figures and tiny toy castles, he then begins to play with them. Explaining the battle plan while making the toys beat each other up, every one gives him a confused look, he then points to a location on the map, it is a city called "Meridian" suddenly the place he points to burst into flames, instead of this being a neat pan effect it also sets him on fire, so his screams are heard while the cool little scenes of the vampire killing humans plays. We then see a scene where an army is standing outside the city, many are hold signs saying: "Vampires, GO AWAY!" and "GO BACK". Their leader is some bald dude wearing gold armor and his head seems to be on fire with green flames. We then see Kain who seems a bit drunk and his troops marching, they stop just a few feet from the humans, both Kain and the bald green flaming head guy glare at each other.ten minutes later Kain makes a roar or some thing and raises the Soul Reaver, his men spring into the air and the battle begins, while the two armies fight, he leaps into the air and begins to fight human's leader, they block each others swing, eventually Kain is back up to a cliff, his foot slips and the bald guy slashes him across the chest, Kain is sent flying, dropping the Reaver, he falls while screaming with an over exagerated flaming background, we then see the video end with the bald guy about to pick up the reaver and then the scene returns to Kain asleep still turning in bed from this dream.  
  
(Now the words before the opening scene appear.)  
  
FOUR HUNDRED YEARS AFTER THE NOBLEMAN KAIN WAS CURSED TO WALK THE NIGHT AS A VAMPIRE AND SUFFER THROUGH NUMERIOUS PARODIES AND CENTURIES BEFORE KAIN WOULD SUFFER A PARODY OF HIS LIUTENANT RAZIEL'S.  
  
HIS PATH OF CONQUEST IS STOPPED BY A BALD FLAMING HEAD GUY  
  
THE PILLARS OF NOSGOTH ARE NOTING BUT HUNKS OF ROCKS NOW VAMPIRES SKIP MARELY ACROSS THE LAND AND SING ONCE AGAIN AND THE HUMILIATING PARODY OF LEAGACY OF KAIN CONTINUES.  
  
(The scene fades in with Kain lying in bed stirring in voice over.)  
  
Kain V.O: From the shards of tattered dreams, I rose - unwilling. JUST three more hours mommy! Tossed upon tides of hangovers that flowed and ebbed and left me groggily awake. And more revoltingly - alive. It was then I saw her, for the first time.  
  
(We see a vampiress leaning against the doorway; her head is slumped in sleep.)  
  
Kain: *Coughs lightly*  
  
Vampiress: *Wakes with a jolt* AHH! Oh you're awake. Already you scared the crap out of me.  
  
Kain V.O: My mind was in fragments like shattered stone *Now talking* Where the hell am I? I . I don't have damn clue.  
  
Vampiress: Hey you know that you can ask nicely you know. It was said that you had history of drinking problems and that your memory would be affected from your last binge. That ought to return after the hangover clears. I am Umah, and I am here to help you. Know that name is Sally, and that you were once the biggest slut in all the land.  
  
Kain: Um actually, it's Kain.  
  
Umah: Oh sorry, know that you were once a Power in the land.  
  
(Kain rises out of bed.)  
  
Kain: I know my name. But my past - I remember fragments only.  
  
Umah: You awaking at all is a miracle. When we found you, passed out and smelling like piss, there was barely any life left in you. We nurtured it and now you rise again.  
  
Kain: What is this crap hole?  
  
Umah: Hey this is my house you ass! You are in the city of Meridian, capital of the land of Nosgoth, the land you wanted all to your self. Tell me, since you remember your name, do you also remember your nature?  
  
Kain: of course, frolicking in fields and watching Barney.  
  
(Umah slaps him in the head a few times, Kain shakes his head and bears his fangs.)  
  
Kain: Oh yeah, Blood.  
  
(He then follows Umah who walks out to the balcony, staring at her you-know- what.)  
  
Kain: ^_^ oh. sexy.  
  
(She turns around while placing her hands over her butt.)  
  
Umah: O.O PERVERT!  
  
(Slaps Kain silly.)  
  
Kain: Ow.  
  
Umah: *Glaring* Then let me show you the future. You have been in a coma for two hundred years. This is what has become of the world.  
  
(Kain looks out and looks at the city.)  
  
Kain: Looks even crappier than New York.  
  
Umah: You were a great general, if you look over the drunken part, commanding an army of vampires, but you pissed off the wrong guy. You were owned old school, your armies got their butts kicked, scattered and destroyed. Everyone believed you to be dead.  
  
Kain: Who kicked my ass?  
  
Umah: The Sarafan. An army of jackasses sworn to destroy us. A new leader revived the order; he wielded green magic that hurts like a bitch and makes you uncontrollably sing swing songs for several moments. It's deadly to us. You were defeated in Mortal Kombat by this leader, the Sarafan Lord, Moebius' ex-boyfriend. But that is not all, they looked as if they were just keeping the peace, but really their even bigger asses than what we were. For two centuries they have enslaved the humans, and have hunted down our kind to near extinction.  
  
Kain: Oh $#*T not again. They have not yet succeeded.  
  
Umah: Not yet, with your help, it is our hope to stop them and restore order.  
  
Kain: The natural order? Vampires hitting up on humans for lunch money?  
  
Umah: Um. I was more to us preying on them.  
  
Kain: You said 'our hope'. Who are you?  
  
Umah: We are the Cabal.  
  
Kain: That Jewish thing?  
  
Umah: No! You idiot, we're a Vampire resistance. We work to stop those jerks, but we're losing with that new magic of theirs, the Glyph Magic, they are able to find us and kill us. Our numbers are dwindling. We are so screwed. We need your help.  
  
Kain: Oh crap I knew you didn't revive for the hell of it, what do I have to do?  
  
Umah: Simple help us. They know all of our faces from the annual Christmas greeting card, but not yours, you supposedly being dead and all.  
  
Kain: What do I get out of it?  
  
Umah: I guess you could try and take over the world again.  
  
Kain: Ok.  
  
Umah: Don't you want to kill the bald guy?  
  
Kain: I remember that I played the pawn once before, it ended badly.  
  
(Remembers some thing that happened that I don't want say because I will be doing BO parody some time.)  
  
Umah: This time you will prevail. We are nice guys, not jerks. We want is simple. If you succeed, we do too.  
  
Kain: Are you asking me to trust you?  
  
Umah: Yep.  
  
(Kain leans forward but stumbles and his face lands right into Umah's 'twins'.)  
  
Kain: *Muffled* Hellllooooo baby!  
  
(Umah throws him off of her.)  
  
Umah: Get of there! Not while we're outside!  
  
Kain: Sorry. I care not for dangers! They will be scared of me! Tell me where baldy is and I will kick his ass before dawn.  
  
(Umah raises a hand.)  
  
Umah: Such pigheadedness. If it were that easy we would have done. You are too weak. He is well protected. He even has vampires working for him.  
  
Kain: Vampires in service to the Sarafan? Are they nuts?  
  
Umah: Pretty much.  
  
Kain: They will pay.oh they will pay.  
  
(He is suddenly in pain, he bends forward, Umah sees this.)  
  
Kain V.O: My senses spun, I felt sick, dizzy.dizzy @_@  
  
Umah: You have the thirst upon you. Come vampire. It is time for you to feed, and I know just what do.  
  
(She winks and nods her head to the room.)  
  
Kain: *Catches her message* ^.^ OhYes...  
  
(He follows Umah into the room, she closes the balcony doors and they uh. get 'jiggy' with it.)  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Me: Well I hope you liked it.  
  
(Moaning and other naughty things can be heard upstairs.)  
  
Me: Yo! Keep it down you two!  
  
(I bang a broom on the ceiling.)  
  
Me: Well any way, I plan to do more of this soon, and more of SR2 parody also. I also have came up with a twisted little fic: Little Red riding Kain.  
  
Please review and I will teach cool moves; also I left a surprise for you all at the Chronoplast time chamber.  
  
Bye! 


	2. Chapter 2: Kain's long boring training s...

Blood Omen 2: Kain's training begins.  
  
Me: It's great to see that people love my parodies.  
  
Moebius: You suck! And I'm not GAY!  
  
Me: Hold on a sec.  
  
(The following scene has been censored because it's not a pretty sight.)  
  
Me: I'm back.  
  
(Moebius' body is on the ground; it's twitching a little but not much.)  
  
Me: Oh by the way, he's what I left at the time chamber. Anyway here is pt. 2!  
  
************************************************************************  
  
(Kain walks out into the streets of Meridian, with lipstick marks all over his face, he cleans them off, he then taps is foot for no reason. Umah talks to him telepathically, her cloths are a bit loose but she straightens them.)  
  
Umah: *using the Whisper* Kain. Do not be afraid.  
  
(Kain leaps ten feet into the air.)  
  
Kain: AAGGGHHH! What the hell are you doing?  
  
Umah: *Using whisper still* I am using the whisper, actually it's a mini PDA that all vampires have, but let's just pretends it's an ability to make it look cool.  
  
Kain: *Whispering* Oh okay. Yes I remember now.  
  
(To himself.)  
  
Kain V.O: She had been in my thoughts, gee I hope she didn't see my 'nasty' ones. I almost believed I had called her myself. Next time I would use my IM email name.  
  
Umah: *Whispering* Never fear. I cannot read your thoughts, but only play with your head and make you nuts and you do so in return.  
  
(She then gestures to the road behind her.)  
  
Umah: Now make your damn way down the street. I will be waiting.  
  
(She runs off, leaving Kain to follow in his own time.)  
  
***Three hours later***  
  
(He finally reaches her.)  
  
Umah: What took you so long?  
  
Kain: I was just killing people and looting their homes.  
  
Umah: UGH! Anyway, welcome to the Slums, Kain. We are in the oldest and crappiest looking part of the city, where few people dare to come.  
  
Kain: what about those guys?  
  
(He points to a tour group passing by; a man dressed kinda fancy, who looks a lot like A-Hole from the SR parody, points to the two vampires.)  
  
Umah and Kain: O.o  
  
Huge ass: .and over here, you will see two vampires, most definitely plotting our doom.  
  
(Several people take photos before they walk into a house and Umah then continues.)  
  
Umah: Where was I? Oh yeah, this is a great place for you to train.  
  
Kain: Train me? Do you take me for a dog?  
  
Umah: SIT!  
  
(Kain obeys obediently.)  
  
Umah: Your memories are screwed up and your fat ass has lain dormant for two damn centuries. What kick ass skills you had must be recovered before you can be of any use to the Cabal. You must learn and to survive.  
  
Kain: Hey I thought you said you were taking me to feed!  
  
Umah: Bad dog!  
  
(She smacks Kain across the nose.)  
  
Kain: Ow.  
  
Umah: Patience, jackass. First, know that your are stronger and faster than mortal men, able -  
  
Kain: Duh.  
  
Umah: AHEM! Able to jump higher than six feet. When you path is blocked, seek a place to jump.  
  
Kain: Nah, I'll just blow it wide open.  
  
Umah: *Agreeing* That'd work too. Uh, I mean no. Now join me up here.  
  
(She withdraws from the ledge; Kain tries to get up there but keeps screwing up. After about ten minutes he makes it.)  
  
Umah: Took you long enough. Know that you have the ability to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.  
  
Kain: You mean I'm Ali?  
  
Umah: No! I'm meaning you can float when you are falling.  
  
Kain: Oh.  
  
Umah: This will allow you to land silently with out alerting anyone. This will be useful for when I teach you how to kill. Now follow me, stupid.  
  
(Kain privately replies.)  
  
Kain V.O: She would discover I needed little training how to kill. Unless it how to stash the corpse away some where it wouldn't be seen and alert my foes, that would so useful.  
  
(Umah goes on ahead, occasionally stopping so Kain could see her path, but running off as soon he got close, he finally reaches her.)  
  
Umah: Slowpoke.  
  
Kain: *puff* You *puff* Could *puff* have *puff* waited a moment. *Deep breath* This city is like a fricken' labyrinth.  
  
Umah: *Whispering* All the better for killing people in, no one would be find their way around very easily. Tell me Kain, are you hungry?  
  
Kain: *Whispering* Hell Yes!  
  
Umah: *Whispering* I have a prisoner down below. Some thug, from a local gang. He sought out a 'good time' unfortunately he met me.  
  
(Like always, Kain's patience wears out.)  
  
Kain: *Whispering* JUST TAKE ME TO THE BODY!  
  
Umah: *Whispering* Okay, keep your shirt on. Drink then. I will be waiting below.  
  
(She vanishes and Kain heads below, drinks the blood from the body. She then regards him from a gate next to him.)  
  
Umah: You full now?  
  
Kain: Yep.  
  
Umah: Blood is everything, it keeps you alive, blah blah blah blah. You know all about how it helps. Know that the more you drink, the more power you gain, and this is what we call a vampire's 'lore'. Get more and you will become an even tougher to kill, leave no one alive, kill them all. Let's continue.  
  
Kain: Okay.  
  
(The gate opens and Umah goes on ahead, leaving Kain to drain the blood of the people along the way, he gains a little bit more power and then meets Umah out by the waterfront.)  
  
Umah: While we are superior to humans, we have our -  
  
Kain: Yes I know, I'm not retarded from the long rest you know. Let's just continue on a little.  
  
Umah: Fine. Open that chest over there, it's called a Coffer, it will give you lore.  
  
(Kain goes over and opens the box.)  
  
Umah: I spoke of our enemies, the Sarafan. It is their psycho crusade to kill us, and they made special defenses. Here is a Ward gate.  
  
Kain: What the hell does it do?  
  
Umah: If you so much as touch, it will really really really hurt. They have put many of these all over the town. Follow me into the sewer.  
  
Kain: But it smells like poo-gas.  
  
Umah: So.  
  
Kain: I'm not going in.  
  
(Suddenly Kain finds himself in the sewers.)  
  
Kain: Rats.  
  
Umah: Your ability to survive will depend on how you can keep you ass from being kicked, again, now we will see if you defend yourself.  
  
(She attacks him, kicking the stuffing out of him many times.)  
  
Umah: Jeez you suck.  
  
Kain: Owies.  
  
Umah: Let's try again.  
  
(She goes at him again and he is successful.)  
  
Umah: Good. We armed with a natural weapon - our claws, kill you enemies with them. Practice with me.  
  
(Kain gets an evil look on his.)  
  
Kain: with pleasure.  
  
Umah: Oh poopy.  
  
(The scene fades to black, we can hear Umah screaming and many sounds of things smashing, the scene soon fades back in. Umah is on the ground.)  
  
Umah: *Dazed* @.@ You pass. Let's continue. I'll meets you a little bit ahead.  
  
(Again Kain follows her through he finally comes across an armed human. Umah strides up to him.)  
  
Umah: Here is you first true test. Some thugs have made a small home here, and one of them stands guard here. Kill him with your claws, you defend against his weapon, drain his blood, I will be watching.  
  
(She vanishes and Kain kills the thugs in there and soon makes his way into the graveyard.)  
  
Umah: *Whispering* In addition to our strength we also have dark gifts, one is the ability to go into mist form and -  
  
Kain: I know become invisible, I had that in the first game you know.  
  
Umah: Oh all right, well just use it here, where the mist is, you can use it to kill silently with out having to fight and to hide if your getting chased. Now use it on the people here and I will then let you continue.  
  
(Kain heads down the steps and goes into the mist. He spots a thug frightening a common man.)  
  
Thug: Give all yer' money.  
  
Man: But I don't have any.  
  
Thug: Then I guess I'll to ki-  
  
(Kain has just stabbed the thug through the throat.)  
  
Kain: *still invisible* Are you okay.  
  
Man: MONSTER! AAGHH!  
  
(The man runs.)  
  
Kain: Why do they always do that?  
  
(He finds the man and kills for no good reason. The gate opens and he heads to it.)  
  
Kain: How much more training do I have to do?  
  
(Suddenly he trips on a pool of blood and falls flat on his face in the street.)  
  
Kain: Ow.  
  
(Umah sees this from a distance and begins to laugh her butt off.)  
  
Umah: HAHAHHAHAH!  
  
Kain: Oh shut up.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Me: Sorry I decided to end it here so I could think of a good joke for the ward gate part.  
  
Kain: I think I bruised my head.  
  
Me: Oh, suck it up.  
  
(Moebius, who has been lying on the ground twitching for the past chapter begins to crawl away.)  
  
Moebius: *In pain* Now's.. Chance.to escape.  
  
Me: I don't think so.  
  
(I suddenly utter words of magic and Moebius vanishes.)  
  
Me: Please review and I will give you all a giant robot of doom that looks like Kain, also now you know what's at the time chamber.  
  
Bye! 


	3. Chapter 3: Magic gates that make you sin...

Blood Omen 2 - Chapter 3: Gates that make you sing and hyperactive Vamps.  
  
Me: Hello everyone. As I said I am trying to get new chapters out sooner.  
  
Kain: I am no dog!  
  
Me: SIT!  
  
(Kain does so obediently.)  
  
Me: Roll over.  
  
(Kain rolls around.)  
  
Me: Fetch.  
  
(I chuck Moebius about a hundred feet from me, Kain chases after. He returns with Moebius, in his teeth by the neck.)  
  
Me: Good boy. In this chapter I will show what Umah meant when the ward gates cause uncontrollable singing/  
  
(Turns back to Kain, who begins to maul Moebius, who screams and pleas for help.)  
  
Me: well here today's installment, pt. 3!  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
(We come from when Kain had fallen flat on his face. He picks himself up and heads to where Umah is; she is standing on a small platform. He sees a device on the wall in front of him.)  
  
Kain: What the hell is that? And what magic is it?  
  
Umah: This is Glyph energy, a new kind of magic that was brought in when the Sarafan came and kicked our butts. It supplies power and porn access to all of Meridian. The gate you see can be opened by this energy. Activate the Glyph box. This will send power to the lever and then you can switch off the gate.  
  
(Kain does as he is told.)  
  
Umah: Well done. The Glyphs are operated by those bald guys over there. They are called Glyphwrights - a secret society existing within Meridian. You may see them a few times, given that the game only shows them about four or five times. They are jerks for they rarely talk to people and where they came from is unknown. Ahead is the market where the usual freaks go and have their cockfights. Beyond is the bridge that leads to the lower city. Get your ass east of the bridge; I will meet you there.  
  
Kain: Where do you think your going?  
  
Umah: I don't to be around while you just waste your time killing everyone along the way.  
  
Kain: How nice of you to leave me to go through this heck hole my self.  
  
Umah: Consider it an act of who gives a rat's ass.  
  
(Umah vanishes. Kain makes his way; he stops when he sees a common person running.)  
  
CP: AGGHHHH!  
  
Kain: Hey, what's the rush?  
  
CP: MONSTER!  
  
(Person runs from Kain and runs into who he was escaping, a thug.)  
  
Thug: Hello.  
  
CP: Oh crap.  
  
(Is killed, the thug then attacks Kain.)  
  
Thug: Well, well, what do we have here?  
  
Kain: Uh, a vampire, dumbass.  
  
Thug: I was asking in the sense of evil.  
  
Kain: Oh.  
  
(He kills the thug and drinks his blood and that of the common person, he then continues on and makes his way to where Umah said to reach, he sees her waiting, her back is turned to him, he sneaks up and taps her on the shoulder.)  
  
Umah: AGHH!  
  
(She leaps twenty feet into the air, she immediately sees it's Kain and floats down, but not before giving him a kick in the head during mid decent.)  
  
Umah: DON'T DO THAT! Anyway, come, this way. Follow me.  
  
Kain: Do I have to? I'm tired from the trip coming here.  
  
(She threatens to slap him, he reels and follows.)  
  
Umah: I am taking you to DA' base, our HQ. It is time you meet our leader.  
  
Kain V.O: It was indeed time to hear this so called leader's bull plop plans, and learn if he had any alcohol for me.  
  
(Umah beckons Kain to follow.)  
  
Umah: This way.  
  
Kain: Hey, ya know, that's such a cliché.  
  
(Umah runs through a deactivated ward gate, but then a Glyph guard sees her.)  
  
Glyph guard #1: MONKEYS! *He's an idiot*  
  
Glyph guard #2: Vampires! Dumbass.  
  
(The guard activates the gate and Kain runs right into it, Umah and the guard watch the following.)  
  
Umah: Uh oh.  
  
Kain *Now affected by gate's side affects, he begins to sing and dance*:  
  
I love to singa!  
  
About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a  
  
I love to singa  
  
About the sky all blue-a or a tea for two-a.  
  
Umah and the guards: O.o  
  
(Before he can continue, Umah chucks a rock at his head, knocking the sense back into him.)  
  
Kain: Thanks I needed that.  
  
Umah: Kain, you must find a way to the lower city. The smuggler's tunnel will take you there.  
  
(The glyph guard raises his sword at Umah.)  
  
GG #1: Smelling undead! Die once more!  
  
(Umah avoids the attack, landing near Kain face-to-face.)  
  
Umah: Go the Holiday inn in the slums. A contact will meet you there. He will tell you where to go.  
  
GG #1: stinking, sexy looking, bloodsucker!  
  
(Umah avoids another attack and taunts.)  
  
Umah: Do you want your death now? Come, it's only $3.95 and you'll have it.  
  
(She runs off, the guard in pursuit.)  
  
GG #1: Come back, I'm too lazy to follow!  
  
(Kain, alone now ponders his situation.)  
  
Kain V.O: I was alone at last, finally, now what to do, what to do? I guess I could do as she asked, or I could go on another binge, I was promised answers. I guess I might as well go and see what they want. After that, I would know what to do.  
  
(He then proceeds to the hotel, again killing loads of people for exact reason and stealing some of their jewelry. He makes it the hotel and finds a human there, seeming to wait for someone.)  
  
Kain: I was to meet someone here.  
  
Human (Steve from PSM.): Who's there? Ahh, you must be Kain.  
  
Kain: You are a human. Curious that would help one such as I.  
  
Steve: Hey, it pays well. We hate the Sarafan; they took our ball and won't give it back - those jerks. If your kind can bring them down, or at least get our ball back, I'll help you - I will!  
  
Kain: I was told to find the smuggler's den.  
  
(Unseen by Kain and Steve, someone is lurking about, eavesdropping on them.)  
  
Steve: You're a stone's throw away from the entrance. Go through it, it's pretty quaint if you overlook the rogues. They'll attack you on sight.  
  
Kain: Then I'll kick their asses and drink their blood.  
  
(Steve opens the gate and Kain begins to walk in, but he stops him.)  
  
Steve: Wait. Tell Umah that I helped you, please? She promised me the dark gift and maybe even a date if I did as she asked. You'll tell her, won't you?  
  
Kain: *Noncommittally* I'm sure she'll give you what you deserve. *Underbreath* The slut.  
  
(He walks through walks through, the eavesdropper watches as the gate closes then attacks Steve, ripping out his throat.)  
  
Steve: Oh mommy!  
  
Eavesdropper: That'll teach ya for not putting a DVD in the January issue.  
  
(Now we know why Steve wasn't in last month's issue. Getting back to Kain. He has entered into the Smuggler's den. Umah calls to him.)  
  
Umah: *Whispering* Greetings, Kain.  
  
Kain: *Whispering* You eluded the guards?  
  
Umah: *W* They were only human, they fell into the river when I chucked a Kitkat in. Welcome to one of our glorious places, the Smuggler's den, you'll find it even more annoying than the slums. Rogues, thieves and mimes rule the streets, and of course the Sarafan too. You can expect no help from the lazy- ass inhabitants, but lot's o' trouble.  
  
Kain: *W* Damn. I don't really need their help. You spoke of a Smuggler's tunnel I must find?  
  
Umah: *W* Go find a guy at the tavern, he will help you, but don't worry, he'll know you.  
  
(Kain then makes his way to the tavern, killing loads of people, thieves, rogues and taking special precautions in killing the mimes, he enters the tavern, passing the bar tender who is quite retarded, he then finds a human on the stairs.)  
  
Contact *Fred* Hey mister, can I talk to ya.  
  
Kain: How the hell do ya know me?  
  
Fred: I was told to look out for ya. I am a friend of the cabal, one of many; I'm here to help.  
  
Kain: Then do so.  
  
Fred: The tunnel is through a cavern, the thieves enter it from the church outside, but it's only for them, you must find and enter a lift. It's in a collapsed section of the district near the church you can't miss it. Be warned the guards will attack you.  
  
Kain: I'll be okay.  
  
(The retarded bartender finally realizes Kain is a vampire, at first confusing him as an ugly elf, then as a giant talking clam, but finally got it and raises the alarm.)  
  
Bartender *Ed*: Me! Help! Need!  
  
Kain and Fred: Took him long enough.  
  
(Two Sarafan guards run towards the tavern and they look pretty fierce, unfortunately they are about as smart as a tree stump. They stand outside looking at Kain, doing nothing; they're so stupid.)  
  
Kain: Well might as well get going.  
  
(He kills everyone in the tavern for no reason, he tries to kill Ed, but he just can't seem to get over the counter.)  
  
Kain: Damn! He must have one of those anti-vampire-attacking bartender things that jerk from the first game had.  
  
(He gives up and leaves through an entrance behind the bookcase, he then makes his way to the church, he sees a man taunting a woman thug.)  
  
Man: Hey, you're one ugly bi-  
  
(Is chased off by woman screaming Kain proceeds until he reaches the spot where the woman and the man were. He drinks the body of its blood and then uses the lift, as he reaches the ground and begins to head into the chamber ahead, two of those Glyphwrights vanish as he walks in and then he spots another, conversing with the eavesdropper, after they have finished talking the mysterious person enters into the steam room and the Glyphwright vanishes, Kain then continues further into the hideout until he reaches a door that some human keeps closing when he gets close, he decide to see if his mist form works and it does, he gets past the door and kills the annoying human.)  
  
Kain: Jerk!  
  
(He then turned on three large stoves and then sees a switch that leads to some steam pipe a few humans are near.)  
  
Kain: *Evilly with a grin* I wander what this will do?  
  
(He pulls the switch and a torrent of steam shoots out and kills the humans, he then drains the bodies and then kills any remaining guards, he then proceeds until he enters the room he say the mysterious man enter. He looks around and then hears someone from the balcony.)  
  
MM: Well, well. Our magic twig-o'-vampire detecting was right, you are alive. Do you remember me, Kain, or is your hangover not cleared yet?  
  
(He steps into the light, allowing Kain to see him.)  
  
Kain V.O: It was Faustus, one of the legionnaires of my army and bowling teammate. A drug addict soldier, still one but now working for the enemy.  
  
(Faustus laughs and attempts to somersaults off the balcony but instead lands headfirst into the floor, leaving an indent of his face.)  
  
Kain: Faustus. It's true then, you have joined with our enemy and have not gone to rehab like I suggested.  
  
Faustus: Look, I told you I just don't have the time, besides, in serving the Sarafan I am protected - I have power, and an endless supply of drugs.  
  
Kain: How many of us have been killed by the Sarafan?  
  
Faustus: I can give a rat's ass to that. I don't weep for and not for you.  
  
Kain: Look around you, do you think this crappy little place can keep you safe?  
  
Faustus: Yes. Our lord knows of your presence; he kicked your ass before and he'll do it again.  
  
Kain: But you will never know how it ends.  
  
Faustus: Why's that?  
  
Kain: I'm gonna kill you before that'll happen.  
  
Faustus: Ah! But you have not yet seen my new powers.  
  
Kain: Huh?  
  
(Faustus takes out a bag of sugar and pours it down his throat, he shakes quite violently and begins to fight with Kain, who is nearly beaten by his hyperactive foe, and he soon beats him enough times that Faustus runs into the next room.)  
  
Faustus: *Really fast cause of his hyper state* Ihaveasurpriseforyou,Kain!  
  
(Kain enters into the next room and continues the fight, Faustus, who is now chucking bombs like mad apparently is missing Kain due to his hyper state and just throws them clear past Kain, who sets him on fire a couple times until he leaps into the rafters above, periodically jumping at Kain, who leaps out of the way, Kain eventually beats him Faustus collapses to the ground, Kain walks over and kicks him.)  
  
Kain: TAKE THIS! F*****! That's what you get for messin' with me!  
  
(He then absorbs Faustus' dark gift 'Jump', he then leaves and gets to test his new ability on a small broken bridge, unfortunately when he ate the dark gift, he also get a little hyper and was just banging into the broken bridge several times, he eventually calms down and he enters the giant pipe to the next part of town.)  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
Me: Well I hoped you like this chapter!  
  
Kain: Dang it! Now I want some more SUGAR!  
  
(He begins to go nuts and runs out.)  
  
Me: O.-0 Whatever, anyway please review and I will give you an army of undefeatable MONKEYS! Yes they are specially trained to kill whomever you want, especially Moebius. SICK EM' BOYS!  
  
(Legions of Monkeys swarm Moebius.)  
  
Moebius: AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!  
  
BYE! 


	4. Chapter 4: To the Sanctuary we go!

Blood Omen 2 - Chapter 4: To the Sanctuary we go.  
  
Me: I'm so glad to see that people love my parodies, even the new Little Red Riding Kain.  
  
Kain: I still refuse to be a part of your ridiculous fiction.  
  
Me: Oh shut up.  
  
(I give Kain an evil glare and suddenly he finds himself in a red dress.)  
  
Kain: O.O (Whimpers like that guy from Kung-POW whose cloths were torn up.) I'll get you for this!  
  
(He runs off, with many Kain fangirls chasing after, wanting to get a picture of their favorite Vampire.)  
  
Me: Well enjoy today's chapter!  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
(We see Kain exiting through a door that he found, apparently thinking that it was a brothel.)  
  
Kain: Dammit! I was so anxious to see what they had.  
  
(Suddenly Umah appears a little ways above him.)  
  
Umah: Boo!  
  
Kain: AGH!  
  
Umah: Ha! Now we're even. You have done well; I lost that bet about you getting your ass kicked in the Smugglers den. Perhaps our leader was right about you.  
  
Kain: Ah yes, the mysterious leader, who the hell is he? Tell me.  
  
Umah: Nope.  
  
Kain: Please?  
  
Umah: Nope, not tellin'.  
  
Kain: Pleeze?  
  
Umah: DAMMIT NO! I can't because of some damn reason. So just wait until you get there!  
  
Kain: Fine.  
  
(Umah then jumps over Kain, but screws up and lands butt- first on his head, knocking him to the ground.)  
  
Kain: Ow.  
  
(Climbs out from under her, he then responds in annoyance of the continuous orders.)  
  
Kain: Go here, go there. What do you take me for, you paper boy?  
  
Umah: No, your more like our mailman, Eike. You are no where near being able to command yet, get your ass to Sanctuary and wait for me there. My orders are investigate the Industrial quarter north of here. I will meet you at Sanctuary when I have gotten any news.  
  
(She then continues along the rooftops, Kain shouts to her from the streets.)  
  
Kain: I need answers, missy. I want the Sarafan Lord, and a hot dog!  
  
Umah: As do we all, Kain - but the time must be ripe and juicy and you must be ready.  
  
Kain: *Whining* But I'm ready noooooow!  
  
Umah: Oh quit your whining.  
  
Kain: Fine! Tell me where this damn sanctuary is.  
  
Umah: Go to the Red Raven pub. Speak with the slu- I mean tapster; she will tell you what to do.  
  
(She jumps from the rooftop to the next, but misses and hits just below the top and falls to the ground, the common people and knights stare at her in confusion, she then leaps up the roof and runs off. Kain shrugs and explores the area, killing everyone in sight, as always, he then makes his way through the path Umah took; he comes across a locked gate.)  
  
Kain: It's locked!  
  
Jerk Gate keeper Duncan: Of course ya' moron.  
  
Kain: Shut up.  
  
Duncan: This is only for the night shift workers only.  
  
Kain: *Trying to act important* I am the night shift.  
  
Duncan: You're not Jimmy or Ralph.  
  
Kain: Damn. Can I please come through?  
  
Duncan: No.  
  
Kain: I promise I won't kill you.  
  
Duncan: No.  
  
Kain: Fine!  
  
(He storms off, muttering many four-letter words until he enters the tavern and finds the sexy tapsters.)  
  
Tapster (Trish, yes the one from DMC.): What can I get ya'?  
  
Kain: *Not paying attention to her face, if you know what I mean* Mmmmm . Oh uh, Info, I was sent by she with huge breast and is vampire. You have a message for me.  
  
Trish: I only know what they told me.  
  
Kain: Who are they?  
  
Trish: I don't know, I was a little stoned and just heard the voice, it told me this: 'Yo' bitch, stop wobbling and listen, seek the vendor near the crackhou- I mean warehouse, he has news for you'.  
  
Kain: Is that all?  
  
Trish: Yep. ( Just tell that punk Duncan that you work for Duckets Traders, he'll let you through to the workers' area.  
  
Kain: Thanks.  
  
(He then kills everyone else for no reason *I'm saying that too much am I?* and then returns to the gate.)  
  
Duncan: I thought I told you to bug off. Workers only.  
  
Kain: I work for Duckets Traders.  
  
Duncan: Oh, uh, then come in.  
  
(He opens the gate and Kain steps up to him threteningly.)  
  
Kain: I lied.  
  
Duncan: Oh crap.  
  
(He is killed by Kain *I bet a whole lot of us did that to him in the game* and Kain continues on and finds another locked gate.)  
  
Gate keeper (Phil): You need a password.  
  
Kain: Blackhawk.  
  
Phil: No.  
  
Kain: Redswallow.  
  
Phil: No.  
  
Kain: I got it, Open sesami!  
  
Phil: -__-, NO! GO GET THE GODDAMN PASSWORD FROM THE VENDOR, DUMBASS!  
  
Kain: O.o Fine.  
  
(He then makes his way to the vendor, he decides to pick a fight with some knights for no reason, he pulls out his sword.)  
  
Knight #1: Sheath your sword!  
  
Kain: I don't wanna.  
  
Knight #2: Do it!  
  
Kain: No.  
  
Knights 1&2: That's IT!  
  
(They take out tasers and shock Kain.)  
  
BZZZZZZZTTTTT!  
  
Kain: AAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
(He is now all crisp and black, he opens his mouth to mouth out 'ouch' and a puff of smoke comes out, he thens uses his darkgift 'Fury' to whoop their asses and then kills eveyone in sight then talks to the Vendor.)  
  
Kain: Yo'.  
  
Vendor: Can I help you, sir?  
  
Kain: Umah sent me. We are to have words. That's an odd of way of saying things  
  
Vendor: Ah, you're one of them, aren't ya?  
  
Kain: What the hell do you mean?  
  
Vendor: Never mind. You're looking for Sanctuary, then?  
  
Kain: YES!  
  
Vendor: Okay, just look for the blue lady shop, it's under it, the password is 'evernight', since the guards have blocked up most of the town, use the rooftops and alleys to get there.  
  
Kain: Thanks.  
  
(He begins to walk away when the vendor calls out.)  
  
Vendor: Watch out for snakes!  
  
Kain: Huh?  
  
(He then makes his way back to Phil.)  
  
Phil: Password.  
  
Kain: Evernight  
  
Phil: Hey, ya got, what do ya know.  
  
(He opens the gate, Kain kills him for no reason, like everyone else. He makes his way through town until he reaches an area with a Glyph guard. He glows when Kain gets behind him.)  
  
Kain: Ooo, pretty.  
  
Glyph Guard: What creature goes bump in the night? Step forth and die!  
  
Kain: Yo', moron, I'm behind you!  
  
G G: I knew that!  
  
(He then looks around in fear of some one pointing out his stupidity and pulls the alarm. Two Sarafan guards appear behind Kain and attack, Kain whoops them old school and then makes his way across the rooftops to the place where the alarm is, he turns it off, but guards seem to be pouring out of the building, Kain fights off a few but they just don't seem to end.)  
  
Kain: Screw this!  
  
(He pulls out a flay.)  
  
Kain: Hehehehe, Eidos doesn't know I smuggled this into the game.  
  
(He pushes the guards back into the building and chucks the flay in as he closes the doors.)  
  
Guards (all together.): Oh S#*T!  
  
(We see Kain run through the doorway to the street in slow motion.)  
  
BOOM!  
  
Kain: *In slow motion* AHH!  
  
(Kain is seen jumping in slow motion as the explosion takes out the building.)  
  
Kain: Damn! Who knew it'd do that?  
  
(He then continues on, he hears noises in one of the buildings and checks it out, he can hear people being tortured, he then checks out another building.)  
  
Voice in building who sounds a lot like Moebius: No, what are you doing with that?  
  
Voice who sounds a lot like Raziel: Oh, nothing special, Moeby-dickhead.  
  
Moebius: No, no, no, NO!  
  
(The scream is muffled as slicing and other gruesome noises are heard.)  
  
Kain: O.o  
  
(He then checks out another building.)  
  
Woman: Yeah, that's right baby, just like that.  
  
Man: Oh you like that? Well how about this?  
  
(Giggling and other sounds can be heard.)  
  
Kain: O.O  
  
(He then makes his way into the way, due to the fact that the road is blocked by a Ward-gate, he kills the enemies there and then enters into a small square where a massacre has just occurred, several of the bodies are in pieces.)  
  
Kain: Phew! Whoever was here must have been drunk or something.  
  
(He spots a human being struck from above. The vampire laughs madly, really madly while the human crawls away and then dies.)  
  
Sebastian: Who the heck are you? Who disturbs my feeding?  
  
Kain: One who shares your thirst, and your curse. Man, that was a cool line.  
  
Sebastian: Ah, a voice from the past. So the voices in my head weren't wrong, Kain walks Nosgoth again.  
  
(Kain stares at him with a confused look.)  
  
Kain: Who in name of the heck are you?  
  
Sebastian: As much as I would like to kick your ass here and now, I must be going, I'm needed elsewhere. Goodnight New York!  
  
(Drum beat.)  
  
Kain: O.o  
  
(Sebastian runs off. Kain runs after him, but he's just too weak to follow at the same speed, but on one rooftop Sebastian turns around and continues their conversation.)  
  
Sebastian: How do you like my handiwork, Kain? It's been a real nice feeding.  
  
Kain: You're a sloppy chef.  
  
(He pulls out a taco in a doggy bag.)  
  
Kain: You placed the cheese first then the tortilla and then the meat, it's crazy! Plus you jeopardize your presence by such killing.  
  
Sebastian: O.o Uh, um, well you're the one who's even more screwed. I'm not the one in danger, you are.  
  
Kain: You work for the Sarafan, then?  
  
Sebastian: Not really, but I am a Jehovah's witness.  
  
Kain: O.O AAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
(Kain runs like hell to the warehouse.)  
  
Sebastian: I was only kidding.  
  
(He walks off down the rooftop to where ever it is he goes, Kain arrives at the warehouse, again killing everyone there, and enters he at the lever that will drop the grate.)  
  
Kain: Ooh, I wonder what this will do?  
  
(He is about to pull it, he then sees the two humans who are talking below it.)  
  
Human #1: So they come into my house and start doing some 'interrogation'.  
  
Human #2: *Looks up* 0o0  
  
Human #1: What's wrong?  
  
Human #2: *Points up* eppp.  
  
Human #1: Oh sh-  
  
SMASH!  
  
(Both are smashed and killed. Kain walks over to their bodies and drinks their blood he then jumps down the hole.)  
  
Kain: Hmm, it doesn't smell like poo gas here.  
  
(He makes his way through killing the female thugs and then gets to the street with the two guards, which he kills, surprise surprise, he enters the sewers and makes his way into the alley with the feuding thugs.)  
  
Random thug: RUMBLE!  
  
(The thugs clash in a big fight, Kain joins in.)  
  
Kain: I love brawls.  
  
**About three hours later**  
  
(Kain leaves the alley, everyone there is dead, and he makes his way into the street and then sees that there is a ward gate blocking the entrance to the sanctuary entrance.)  
  
Kain: Screw this, I'm busting into the store and going through there.  
  
(He brakes the window and jumps in and uses the door to make it to the entrance of Sanctuary, he enters and finally sees the 'leader'.)  
  
Kain V.O: Vorador. The reformed insurance salesmen. I had met once before when I went to buy a sports car, the bastard cheated me. I still knew not to trust him.  
  
(He bows lightly as he addresses the old vampire.)  
  
Kain: Ah yes, who but the biggest sale fraud would lead the resistance? I am honored Vorador.  
  
Vorador: Will you just give up on that damn car already!? We are allies because I hate you, and you hate me. Welcome to sanctuary.  
  
Kain: Hmm, not as good as your castle.  
  
Vorador: Yes, but the payment for it is much cheaper. It will only last for awhile until the Sara-jerks find us.  
  
Kain: Let's just skip the cheap talk already, I'm tired for this chapter.  
  
Vorador: Me too.  
  
(The wounded vampire enters.)  
  
Wounded Vampire (Carl): Vorador!  
  
Vorador: What!?  
  
Carl: The s#*t has hit the fan, Umah has been captured!  
  
Vorador: Oh crap. How?  
  
Carl: She was caught near the industrial quarters as you asked. I stood guard outside. She whispered that she found something important.  
  
Vorador: What?  
  
Carl: I don't know. She wasn't able to say.  
  
Vorador: Oh darn, well Kain, it looks like your going to have to save her.  
  
Kain: Whoopdee doo!  
  
Carl: She was taken to the stronghold and will be executed in the morning.  
  
Kain: How do I get there?  
  
Vorador: Seek the priest, he'll know how to get there.  
  
Kain: What if she's dead when I get to her?  
  
Vorador: Then her discovery dies with her. Meaning we're so screwed.  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
Me: Sorry it took so long, been held up with school and such.  
  
Please review and I will give the new *Drum roll* Moebius in a ball of death, yes he's trap in a ball and you can do horrible things to him!  
  
Moebius: For the love of the elder god, HELP!  
  
Bye! 


	5. Chapter 5: Kain Family Guy style

Blood Omen 2 - Chapter 5: Kain - Family Guy style!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Family Guy, Legacy of Kain, etc. But I do own a copy of the new Harry Potter book! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *Coughs*  
  
Me: Sorry about the delay, evil school, but now school's out, FREEDOM! So I am proud to say that there will be more frequent updates, and Moebius bashing!  
  
On with the fiction!  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
*Dramatic action music* LAST TIME ON - BLOOD OMEN 2: MY WAY  
  
(We see Kain and Raziel on a speedboat, Kain is dressed Miami Vice style and so is Raziel, except he has his hair in an Afro. They are speeding by a dock jump out as the boat crashes and explodes.)  
  
**Scene change**  
  
(Vorador is holding a gun and shooting in random directions killing bad guys.)  
  
**Scene change**  
  
(Umah and Ariel are in a hospital room watching over Kain who is apparently in a coma.)  
  
Ariel: Damn it! Don't you see he's never coming back!?  
  
(Umah bitch slaps Ariel.)  
  
**Scene change**  
  
(We see Janos on a rooftop firing at a helicopter, he hits the little blades and it careens toward him, he jumps off the building as it is blown up.)  
  
Janos: AHHH!  
  
**The music builds to an intense height**  
  
**Actual scene in fiction**  
  
Carl: Umah's been captured!  
  
Vorador: Oh crap! Well, looks like your gonna have to go save her.  
  
Kain: Whoopdee doo!  
  
**Music abruptly ends**  
  
(We see Kain on the tram and it stops, he gets outs.)  
  
Kain: Hey wait a second, this isn't that new Brothel I heard so much about!  
  
(The tram had already left.)  
  
Kain: Damn!  
  
(He kills all the people in the room and then heads into the court yard area.)  
  
Guard 1: So anyway, she says 'I need some space' and then she stormed out.  
  
Guard 2: Man that sucks.  
  
Kain: Hahahahahahaha! I know how you feel; I remember one time I had a fight with my last girlfriend.  
  
**Random Family Guy style scene**  
  
(We see Kain in a younger appearance, with a football jock jacket on and hair all geld up. He is talking with a human girl.)  
  
Girl: I like, think you're a jerk and, like, you don't, you know, respect me and stuff.  
  
Kain: Uh, ugh. *Snaps her neck and drinks her blood*  
  
(We go back to the current scene.)  
  
Kain: Aww, those were the good old days.  
  
Guard 1: Hey you're a vampire aren't you?  
  
Kain: No I'm not!  
  
Guard 2: Yes you are!  
  
Kain: Believe me, I'm not! I swear. You can vouch for me, right Donny?  
  
Donny Osmond: That's right Kain, he's my best friend!  
  
Guards 1&2: AHHHHH!  
  
Donny: Let's sing along!  
  
Kain: How about we don't.  
  
Donny: Cool, it's like sharing.  
  
(He sings that song he sung way back in Jonny Bravo, the two guards commit suicide to end their torment, and Kain is forced to murder Osmond.)  
  
Kain: I'm glad that's over.  
  
(He walks to the gate and is confronted by a vampire.)  
  
Vampire: So, the rumors speak true.  
  
Kain: Holy crap! It's Nosferatu!  
  
Vampire: No, it's Marcus you dumbass!  
  
Kain: Oh yeah. Marcus, buddy, pal!  
  
Marcus: A poor choice of words, Kain. We are not buddies, nor pals.  
  
Kain: Why are you making such a fuss? I know we left off on some bad terms.  
  
Marcus: YOU SHAVED MY HEAD BALD AND THEN TRIED TO KILL ME!  
  
Kain: Gee, it's not that big a deal.  
  
Marcus: YOU TATOOED 'I LOVE MOEBIUS' ON THE BACK OF MY HEAD AND THEN TIED A BELL TO THE BACK OF MY NECK!  
  
Kain: Hehehehehehe, yeah, sorry about that.  
  
Marcus: You feared my flowing locks of hair, as well as my power. You knew that one day my hair would be more beautiful than yours. Is that why you begged me to fight at your side when you waged war on Nosgoth and it's hair salons?  
  
Kain: Begged, I never begged.  
  
Marcus: Yes you did.  
  
**Another random scene**  
  
(Kain is on his knees in bar while Marcus is drinking beer, he is also sulking at a picture of him when he had nice hair.)  
  
Kain: Please?!?  
  
Marcus: No.  
  
Kain: Pretty please?!?  
  
Marcus: NO.  
  
Kain: PleasePleasePleasePleasePlease?!? Or I'll use this bell on you!  
  
Marcus: ALL RIGHT ALREADY!  
  
**End random scene**  
  
Kain: Ok, maybe I did a little.  
  
Marcus: In your stupidity, You presumed me dead. But I was stronger than you knew. I crawled from my Haven and fled into hiding.  
  
(Kain laughs uncontrollably at this.)  
  
Marcus: Oh shut up! When the Sarafan proved victorious. I knew my destiny lay with the Sarafan Lord. I offered my loyalty to him. I have not only become a servant to him, but I have also become the leader of the order of destroying bells.  
  
Kain: I always knew you for sneaking and being a wussy. I will kill you, and I'll make damn sure you die for sure.  
  
Marcus: Wrong again, jackass, once more you underestimate me. The dark gifts manifest differently in all of us, in you absence, I've learned to charm people.  
  
Kain: So does this mean you can finally pick up women?  
  
Marcus: No you dumbass. It means I can make people do my bidding, I once made Faustus do the macarena And even got a few humans to do riverdance. Now I'll make you into my mind puppet!  
  
(He raises his hand and concentrates on Kain; Kain can feel the effects of impending control but shakes it off.)  
  
Marcus: What, Impossible!  
  
Kain: What have you been using that ability on? Drunks and idiots? Man you suck! My mind is too strong to be controlled by you.  
  
Marcus: No matter, I was still able to read your thoughts. You seek the Bishop of Meridian? He has some info you seek?  
  
Kain: Yes! How'd you know?  
  
Marcus: -__-0 I will ensure that you get that information, when you find the bishop, he will be dead, well actually I will just make him into a puppet, but you know.  
  
Kain: Uh, no you won't!  
  
Marcus: That is what you think.  
  
Kain: *Like a bell* Ding, Ding!  
  
(Marcus' left eye twitches, he scream like an insane person and runs off down the alley screaming like a monkey on crack, suddenly two figures appear behind Kain at the corner where he had came from.)  
  
Kain: OH MY GOD, IT'S. BUSH & BLAIR!  
  
(Yes, Bush and Blair stand several feet from Kain, they are under Marcus' control and are armed with those weird cross- thingies.)  
  
Bush: I think I'll the pentagon to bomb him.  
  
Blair: Terrorist, BAD!  
  
(They attack Kain; He fends them off easily and drinks their blood. He then makes his way through the sewers and then to the area where Marcus is talking with a Sarafan guard.)  
  
Marcus: You there, yeah you, the idiot. You are to conduct me to the Bishop's manor on the instant.  
  
Guard: We were told to lookout for a vampire, hey you are one, DIE!  
  
Marcus: Not me you stupid moron. You know me. Kain is the one you seek.  
  
Guard: But he's not gonna stop and tell us his name, now will he?  
  
Marcus: *Sighs* Just attack anyone with albino hair and is carrying a sword.  
  
Guard: Ok.  
  
(He and Marcus depart for the manor. Kain reaches the area soon after, but ducks down as a figure in a red trench coat, white hair and a cool looking sword strapped to his back.)  
  
Dante: *Humming* Hmm, I wonder where Trish is?  
  
**Random scene**  
  
(We see Trish doing a sexy dance on the counter top at the Red Raven pub; the men are cheering her on.)  
  
Popeland: Yeah! WOOT! *Takes a swig of beer and slurs incoherent words*  
  
Jedi-and: You go girl!  
  
MortalSora: Shake it! (Light and Ruff Collie and Angel-Chan are sitting in the back.)  
  
Light: -__-0 Men.  
  
Ruff: Just no sense of decency.  
  
Angel: You said. *Spots Raziel dressed in a cloak at the bar and drools uncontrollably.)  
  
Light: -__-0 Yet the same can sometimes be said about us.  
  
Ruff: -__-;; Hmm.  
  
**End of random scene**  
  
Dante: Oh well, I'm sure she'll turn up.  
  
(A Sarafan guard spots him and pulls out a whistle, all of the guards attack Dante.)  
  
Dante: Oh crap!  
  
(He is chased off, moments later in the distance, an explosion happens and Kain sees the body parts of all the guards' rain down on him.)  
  
Kain: Whoa, remind me never to get that guy angry.  
  
(He drinks what little blood he can from the bodies that weren't badly damaged and then gets contacted by Vorador.)  
  
Vorador: *Using Whisper* Kain, it is Vorador. You must reach the manor, blah, blah, blah, yadda yadda, ah the hell with it you know what to do.  
  
(Kain heeds this pointless tip and continues on, killing random humans for no reason *A/N: He seems to like doing that a lot, doesn't he? * and then is contacted by Vorador again by that gate.)  
  
Vorador: *Whispering* Kain, the manor is near. However, you have to pointlessly get the gate to open, get the bell to ring so the idiotic workers will think it is time for their shift to change and they open it.  
  
Kain: *Whispering* You know, I could've thought of that myself.  
  
(He enters the small building where the bell is and instead of doing the things to get the bell to ring, he just throws a random human at it. The people think it's the shift change and open the gate, Kain then kills and drinks the blood of them all, again, and proceeds on. Marcus, who is still ahead of Kain, arrives at the manor.)  
  
Guard: We were told to lookout for a vampire, but apparently some dude in a red trench coat blew up all of the guys. Marcus: Well, just try and act like you doing your job.  
  
(He leaves and Kain soon arrives after, he makes his way into the library when suddenly, he hears a loud noise coming from the door to his right.)  
  
CRASH!  
  
(The door falls off its hinges and a Sarafan knight lays unconscious on it.)  
  
Kain: *Sighs* God their stupid.  
  
(He jams his sword into the Knight's neck and drinks his blood, he then realizes that someone has been watching the poor excuse for a fight.)  
  
Kain: What the hell do you want?  
  
Butler: Don't kill me, I know something that may be of help to you. The Sarafan are at the Bishop's.  
  
Kain: Where are they?  
  
Butler: They accused him of aiding the vampire resistance and being a drunk. They want to find proof, please don't tell them where I am.  
  
Kain: Tell me where to find the bishop.  
  
Butler: I don't know.  
  
Kain: Should I tell you I aid Vorador or should I just rip out your throat? I leave the decision to you.  
  
Butler: Go to the Cathedral. He fled there to be safe and also secure his hidden stash. It lays to the northeast.  
  
Kain: Show me how to get there, or I'll kill you.  
  
Butler: Yes, here, through this tunnel.  
  
Kain: Thank you.  
  
(He leaves through the door but not before, and not scripted in the actual game, kills the man. He then proceeds further till he reaches the cathedral and finds the Bishop apparently alone.)  
  
Kain: I assume you are the Bishop of Meridian?  
  
(The Bishop only utters nonsensical words drunken hiccups.)  
  
Kain: I seek a passage to the freaking Sarafan keep, I work for Vorador, and he said you'd know of where to find it. (Again the Bishop only mutters and hiccups.)  
  
Kain: Are you that drunk?  
  
(Marcus steps out from behind and addresses Kain.)  
  
Marcus: He is in my control, though he was already quite drunk when I found him.  
  
Kain: Release him and I will not kick your ass, right now that is.  
  
Marcus: I hold the cards now, surrender or I will make him do horrible dances.  
  
Kain: I care not for a mortal, killing you would make me one happy vampire.  
  
(He takes a step toward Marcus.)  
  
Marcus: Stay back, the Bishop will tell you nothing while he remains under my power and will never cease to stop dancing, and you will never catch me.  
  
(He runs off as the Bishop starts doing the macarena and suddenly ten other humans join in, Kain backs up slowly and runs off screaming in horror and pursues Marcus. He soon is lead back to where he had seen Dante get chased off and then is lead to the rooftops where he and Marcus land on a stain glass window roof.)  
  
Kain: I've got you now.  
  
(Suddenly the theme of 'Stayin' Alive' plays and the glass starts to glow random colors like a disco floor. Kain and Marcus look at each other in confusion before disco dancing.)  
  
Kain: *Doing that thing with the pointing*  
  
Marcus: *Spins around on back and then jumps up and lands on the floor perfectly*  
  
(Suddenly the music stops, the glass stops glowing and they hear a creaking noise as the glass starts to crack in random places.)  
  
Kain: Oh.  
  
Marcus: Shi -  
  
(The glass gives way and they fall, Marcus turns invisible and Kain rings the bells a few times.) Marcus: GAH! THE BELLS! *Falls to floor and sucks thumb like a person whose lost it.  
  
(He soon recovers and summons two humans to come out, cut the ropes to the bells and hang themselves, all this time while doing ballet.)  
  
Kain: O.o0  
  
(Marcus then runs around on the upper level randomly screaming stuff about bells, bad dancing and something about an invisible mutant biscuit. Kain proceeds to beat him up, killing any human who gets in his way and then finally knocks Marcus down to the alter.)  
  
Marcus: You cannot stop me!  
  
Kain: Oh yeah?  
  
(He pulls out a bell and rings it, Marcus screams and then Kain shows him an electric shaver.)  
  
Marcus: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOO!  
  
(Kain laughs and then kills him off completely and then takes his dark gift, 'Charm'. The Bishop runs in, now able to talk, but still quite drunk.)  
  
Kain: Old man, do you live?  
  
Bishop: *Slurring* YeS I dooo, I must thank for destroying that *hic* fiends, he threatened *hic* to reveal where my stash is.  
  
Kain: I need directions to the Sarafan keep. Vorador said you'd know where to find it. One of our associates is held captive there.  
  
Bishop: Sure *hic* I'll help *hic* you, you nice talking marble *hic* statue.  
  
Kain: o.o0  
  
Bishop: I wIlL sHoW yOu thee entrancees.  
  
(He then leads Kain to a passage to lead him to the Keep.)  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
Me: Well, how was it? Did anyone like the Family Guy style randomness? I just had the idea one-day.  
  
Well please review and I will give you all giant machine of DOOM. Plus I'll leave Moebius tied up in giant open area.  
  
See ya! 


	6. Chapter 6: The Sarafan Keep: aka Moron c...

1Blood Omen 2 - Chapter 6: The Sarafan Keep, a.k.a Idiot headquarters

Disclaimer: I do not own LoK or any other titles that may appear or cause itching.

Me: Damn, took me long enough, well here it is, chapter 6.

* * *

(We fade in and see a British newscaster sitting at a desk.)

Reporter: "Well to the NBC: Nosgoth Broadcasting Channel. I'm Arthur T. Gooberdongercatman. And this is the news."

(A series of shots from different places from the series appear, with cliche news scenes added in, like fire fighters in Dark Eden, and other such things, all this plays with cheesy cliche news music, when the intro ends, the camera pans back to Arthur.)

Arthur: "Good evening and welcome, tonight many shocking events have turned up. Recently people in the streets of Merridian have been killed, randomly, authorities are looking into the matter, claiming to have never seen such randomness since the Sarafan Lord was found drunk and naked in the streets claiming to be Adam West three weeks ago. We're live with a witness to one of the numerous slaughters."

(We quick-cut to a random human, looking all shocked.)

Random human: "I saw him do it, he was running and killing everybody, laughing and proclaiming himself to be canned tuna."

Arthur: "We also have word that a second man is running about causing chaos, just moments ago, at the Church, it was reported a man in a red coat with white hair was wondering about and assaulted by knights, but somehow managed to blow them all up, a servant at the area spotted him and has given us a rough sketch of the culprit."

(A picture of Santa Claus appears, though he's dressed kinda like Neo.)

Arthur: "We also were able to a sketch of the other man, who was said to pale, unwashed and highly annoying. I warn you dear viewers, this visage may be too hideous for the weak stomach."

(A picture of Fred Durst appears. Arthur can be heard off-screen vomiting.)

Arthur: "Sorry for the scare there folks, and just recently the Bishop was found passed out in the chapel, not unusual, but a dead shaved vampire was found on the alter, the Sarafan is looking into the situation, that's all for now, I'll keep you posted in later developments of these current events, and now, the regular fan-fiction already in progress."

(Kain has just arrived at the keep, Vorador, whose been keeping an eye with his high-tech cameras, happened to turn his attention from a ladies locker room cam and see the one at the keep where Kain was on-screen, picking his nose.)

Vorador: **(Whispering)** Well done Kain, you have made it to the keep at last, took ya long enough!

Kain: **(Whispering)** Well, it wasn't all that easy, ran into an friend, Marcus.

Vorador: **(Whispering)** Ah yes, the bald bitch looney, so I assumed another of the Sarafan's Lords guardians and other quartet members has fallen?

Kain: **(Whispering)** Does it seem like I give a damn?

Vorador: **(Whispering)** Many times I tried to convince Marcus to join up with us, I offered new hair growth methods and even free reign of the next musical, but he would not heed.

Kain: **(Whispering)** My way worked better, besides, no one loves how that hack worked.

Vorador: **(Whispering)** True, anyway, I sense Umah is at the top of the keep, you must hurry, she will be executed soon, and today's raffle winner choose for her to die by Elton John music.

Kain: **(Whispering)** Dear God, how horrible. OH, do you by any chance sense the Sarafan Lord? I want to kick his ass!

Vorador: **(Whispering)** I do not know, his presence is masked, that or he's on the internet, hard to get through when their on that. But if you happen to cross paths with him, I advise you get your ass out of there, or you can kiss it good-bye!

Kain: **(Whispering)** Run? Kiss my ass? Vorador you know I only did that once!

Vorador: **(Whispering)** Just go and find Umah, the info she got is too important to lose, also don't get caught, yada yada, now shut-up, I'm busy.

(Back at his secret camera room, Vorador turns to the other cam. Pervert. Back with Kain.)

Kain V.O: How I came to hate people telling me it was ok to now wuss out at times like this, how long I wished to kick the crap out that flaming bald jackass.

(Vorador is still talking through the whisper, though not to Kain.)

Vorador: **(Whispering)** Oh, look at her, must be exercising a lot huh?

Kain: **O.o**

(Kain runs off like mad to the keep, after killing everyone along the way, as always, he meets woman behind a gate, whom is guarding the ward gate.)

Cabal Woman: "Welcome, dumbass."

Kain: "You mistake me for something I am not."

Woman: "Oh just shut up, you know you are, anyway, I work for the Cabal. Now shut up and listen."

Kain: "Speak then, bitch."

Woman: "The woman you seek is at the top."

Kain: "I already freaking knew that!"

Woman: "I know, you will need me to open the gate for you."

Kain: "Then do it."

Woman: "First I want you kill this guy whose here for no real reason."

Kain: "Why?"

Woman: 'Because I said so."

Kain: "Damn."

Woman: "He's done harm to us, what harm you ask, he didn't bring anything to the annual picnic, his name is Artemis, go kick his ass and I'll open the door."

Kain: **Sighs** "Fine."

(Kain goes off and does so, along the way peeking into the may rooms, and witnessing many bizarre things, like a man and woman fighting with sporks. After killing Artemis who actually got himself killed by jumping into the moat when Kain began to sing bad Elvis impersonations.)

Kain: "The deed is done, now open the f#$ door!"

Woman: "Ok."

(Kain is about walk through when she turns it back on, bad idea.)

Kain: **Eyes dilate really big and he gets a retarded grin on his face.**

_"Life is like a hurricane here in duck berg race cars, lasers, airoplanes It's a duck blur! Might solve a mystery, or rewrite history! DUCK TALES! (Woo)"_

Woman: **O.o0**

Kain: _"Da da danger watch behind you! There's a stranger out to you! __What to do just grab onto some" -_

**WHOMP!**

(Kain is struck in the head by a stale biscuit.)

Kain: "Thanks, I needed that."

(He continues on and makes it to the roof, he spots two Sarafan guards and Glyph knight.)

Glyph (Bob): "Bodies were found, and some of the playboys are missing, I want you to patrol the courtyard."

Guards: "Yes, sir."

Bob: "I'll guard the cell, now move it!"

(Kain goes mist and decides to screw around with the regular guards, who are slacking off.)

Guard #1: "I'm telling you, Sock puppets would totally own atomic aardvarks!"

Guard #2: "And I'm telling you now, Smurfs would kill them both!"

Kain: **O.o0**

"If I may but in, I'd have to say robotic cotton swabs would take them all down."

Guards: "Uh, kill him!"

(Kain kills them easily.)

Bob: "Hey you idiots, I thought I said get to" -

(Sees that their dead, Kain tries to sneak up but forgets that these guys can sense him.)

Bob: "I will slay you, fiend!"

Kain: "Look behind you!"

Bob: "Where?"

(Kain stabs him in the back, he didn't forget their total morons. He then enters the cell and finds Umah, caged and weak.)

Umah: "About f time, I thought no one would come, I was afraid I'd have to call in Luis for a favor. You are either stupid or nuts to come here."

Kain: "You will find me weak-minded."

Umah: "Go figure."

(Kain walks up to her but is stopped by a ward gate.)

Umah: "Idiot, go shut off the gate first, then save me."

Kain: "First tell me what you learned."

Umah: "And if I did, what would you do in my position?"

Kain: "Uh, strut my stuff?"

Umah: **--** " I'm only telling Vorador, go turn off the gate already."

(Kain does so, but it takes him 200 tries Hah it only took me about 102, oh crap! before he realizes that you have to move that wall around, he returns and helps her out.)

Kain: "You're hurt."

Umah: "Oh that, yea I got that when I tried to scratch my butt and touched the gate. Let's get going, once I'm away from her, I'll have the strength to teleport us, or at least hail a cab."

(They head outside, but are being watched, Umah realizes this first, she gasps.)

Umah: "Get your hand off my ass!"

Kain: "Sorry."

Sarafan Lord: "What stupid moron disturbs my nap time? What furby dares to shed the blood of my cheap labor?"

Kain V.O: He had the sword, the Soul Reaver, the prize I won at the Avernus cathedral fair was in his damn dirty hands/claws/talons(?)

Sarafan Lord: "What is this?"

Kain: "You know me, you bald bastard!"

Sarafan Lord: "No. You were so dead, I even peed on your dead body and buried you in an inappropriate manner, your name drowned in a metaphorical waters of time passing. Your plans turned to utter crap!"

Kain: "Let those be your stupidest lines ever!"

Sarafan Lord: "You dare dream of killing me? That fantasy was written long ago and it sucked, when I defeated you. You learn nothing but how to be drunk, pathetic wuss.

Dare you to try and 'kick my ass' again?"

(Kain tries to fight him, the Sarafan Lord merely holds him back with one hand, like a bully.)

Kain: "Die Fiend!"

(The bald flaming head guy fires a bolt from the Soul reaver, knocking Kain on his ass.)

Umah: "No! Kain!"

Sarafan Lord: "Your fate is in my hands, as is your sword and your collection of Star Trek cups."

Kain: "You bastard!"

Umah: "He's too strong for you right now, with the reaver he could kick our asses quicker than Steven Hawking on LSD!"

(Kain tries to stand, but Umah holds him back.)

Kain: "No! Release me! Those are my cups bitch!"

Sarafan Lord: "I am you fate Kain, now and until next winter. However long you wuss out, you will come to me - for your owning bitch!"

(He tries to swing at them, but Umah teleports them just in time.)

Sarafan Lord: "Damn! Oh well at least they won't be bothering us for the time being, isn't that right snooky?"

(Moebius enters in a nightgown.)

Moebius: "I said to stop calling me that!"

* * *

Me: I know the chapter in the game ends after they talk about the stone, but its late, and I will continue very soon, please read and review. Also I implore all of you to read the new chapters in my Soul Reaver 2 fiction and the Blue vampire café.

See you later everyone!


End file.
